October is the Cruelest Month

I get told that October is the worst month. That scares the crap out of me.

So far in September I have fallen on my face (figuratively), had the worst day thus far and ended up crying in my classroom at the end of the day, took my first personal day (and it was amazing), kicked more students out of my room than I can remember, and still suck at my job (and everyone knows it).

I started off October by teaching sick. I kept sitting down because I got too dizzy to stand. I was coughing and sneezing the whole time. My classroom management suffered and it hit the fan when the administration sent five kids I had kicked out back into my class during fourth block with no explanation. It was the worst experience ever. Today, on day two of the October experience, I called in sick. I think I earned a day off, especially since I am still sick.

If my health was the only concern I was having right now, I think I could deal with that. The worst feeling (one that contributes to the stress that makes me sick) is that I feel lonely all the time I'm at home not teaching. I miss all my friends (from both college and from high school in GA) and my family in SC. This whole lack of friends (particularly those who aren't teachers) thing (especially with my roommate dating all the time) is wearing me down. I spend my days alone, my weekends alone, and a lot more time alone. I hate alone. I hate it far more than teaching a room full of disrespectful kids.

I didn't write this all to say what a horrible experience I am having. All and all, it is a positive one in my personal development. I have learned a lot about myself as a person by being in that classroom and making those rookie mistakes. I love my students, even the ones who make me want to pull my hair out. My administration is fairly good. The support I get is occasionally useful.

I wouldn't trade August and September for anything. If I had the chance, I would do them over again but that is beside the point.

It is just that I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through the month of October. I know that just need to put my head down, suck it up, and teach my way through it. At the same time, if things stay this stressful and isolating I will simply fall apart.

At the end of yesterday one of my students (a 12th grader in 10th grade English who is consistently on the other side of my door for being disruptive), took time out during the middle of class to blame me for not teaching him what he needed to know (even though I did present the content and went over it). It like I was the one who asked him to ignore me. It still hit home and I almost cried in front of the class. I seriously need to stop being an emotional basketcase.

One of my friends in teacher corps left already. A part of me is jealous. At least she is free from this crap.

It seems harder and harder to go school each day. I wish somebody gave a damn.